A Peck of Parodies
by MurasakiNeko
Summary: A little lighter fare, a series of song parodies to Harry Potter. Sound of Silence, My Band, My Immortal, House of the Rising Sun, Summer of '69 . . . and counting . . .
1. The Sound of Silence

_I've been on a song parody kick lately (I just hear songs and start translating them to Harry Potter stories- yes, I need help, I realize this), so I thought I might as well record them. This is an endless sort of story; it will continue to be added to as long as I have ballads to change the words to. I'm putting all of them up; I'm proud of each, but some are obviously better than others. I will put my own personal rating at the start of each, out of 5, 5 being the highest, but you're welcome to disagree, and, of course, tell me so. This is definitely more the "I'm really hyper" sort of fare I don't usually write . . . am I any good at it?_

_I do not own Harry Potter or Simon and Garfunkel

* * *

_

Beyond the Door (to the tune of "The Sound of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel)-- 5

Narrator: Harry Potter

Setting: 5th Book

* * *

Hello, Snape, my enemy  
I've come to learn Occulmency  
Because a vision softly creeping  
Left its seeds while I was sleeping  
And the vision that was planted in my brain  
Still remains  
Just beyond the door.

In restless dreams I walk alone  
Narrow corridors of stone  
Within the Department of Mysteries.  
Memories not from my own histories  
Cause me to enter the Dark Lord's mind  
Until I find  
What's just beyond the door.

And in these memories I see  
What often ends up reality.  
I was the snake that bit Mr. Weasley.  
I was the man who tortured Avery,  
And no one even bothers to believe  
That what I see  
Is just beyond the door.

"Fools," say I, "I saw him rise.  
His return cannot be denied.  
Hear the names of those who follow him!  
Take them away so he may not rule again!"  
But my warnings have completely been in vain;  
I'm seen as insane  
For still I dream of the door.

Now the Death Eaters bow and kneel  
To a Dark Lord who is quite real.  
I have warned you in Luna's magazine  
Yet still you claim what I say is obscene.  
My friends are in trouble; I must go alone to fight  
For what is right  
And seek what's beyond the door.


	2. The Ballad of Billy the Kid

_I am not J.K.Rowling or Billy Joel_

* * *

The Ballad of Sirius Black (to the tune of "The Ballad of Billy the Kid" by Billy Joel)-- 3

Narrator: Outside source

Setting: After the 5th book

* * *

From a manor house in high class wizard London  
Came a boy with a wand clenched in his hand.  
And what people thought was his crime  
Made him a legend in his time,  
East and west of wizarding England.  
  
He befriended werewolves when he was a boy at Hogwarts  
And with his teachers he was always cut some slack.  
For his stunning sullen style  
And his mischeivous smile  
He got a reputation, Sirius Black.  
  
Well, he was an Animagus  
And his motorbike could fly.  
And though he came off as a loner, he had many friends.  
But he never had a sweetheart,  
And he was shunned by his family,  
But he never was disloyal to his friends.  
  
Well, his loyalty wasn't fully recognized.  
He was locked up for a crime he hadn't done.  
But as a dog, and innocent  
He followed his best friend's scent  
And returned, escaped, to protect his old friend's son.  
  
Well, one day Black was in the rough again.  
His godson met up with a cousin Black.  
And his own betrayed kin  
Fought with him once again  
And that was the end of Sirius Black.  
  
Well, he was an Animagus  
And his motorbike could fly.  
And though he came off as a loner, he had many friends.  
But he never had a sweetheart,  
And he was shunned by his family,  
But he never was disloyal to his friends.

* * *

_And,_ _if you want to, you can change "never had a sweetheart" to "he lost his only sweetheart" if you want to say Sirius had someone at some point- be it unnamed female or male (cough Remus Lupin, lol . . . )_


	3. The Summer of '69

_I am not J.K.Rowling or Bryan Adams

* * *

_

Before October of '81 (to the tune of "The Summer of '69" by Bryan Adams)-- 2

Narrator: Sirius Black

Setting: Just before Peter's betrayal and the fall of Voldemort

* * *

I got a real flyin' motorbike.  
My uncle treated me like a son.  
I rode it 'til it ran out of gas;  
That was before October of '81.  
  
Me and my friend Marauders  
Hung out 'til graduation day.  
But then Peter made scarce; James got married.  
I should have known we'd go our separate ways.  
  
Oh when I look back now,  
Those schooldays seemed to last forever.  
Oh, when we marauded,  
I knew my friends'd betray me never.  
Those were the best days of my life.  
  
I got kicked out of my house  
But that was fine; I stayed with James  
He was closer to my than my own kin  
Friendship's so much deeper than plain family names!  
  
Standin' underneath full moon  
We'd promised we'd be friends forever.  
Oh, when we marauded,  
I knew my friends'd betray me never.  
Those were the best days of my life.  
  
Back before October of '81.  
  
Man, we were killin' time.  
We were young and restless;  
We needed to unwind.  
I guess nothin' can last forever, forever, no . . .  
  
Then the times startin' changin';  
Dark pureblood wizards started makin' a din.  
Now I'm gonna take that old motorbike,  
And bring to Peter what's comin' to him!  
  
Standin' underneath full moon,  
We'd promised we'd be friends forever.  
Yet when I saw my best friend's body,  
I knew that that had not been clever.  
That was the worst day of my life.  
  
Oh, back before October of '81.


	4. The House of the Rising Sun

_I am not J.K.Rowling or anyone who has sung this song (and there are tons you, so I'm not going to list you all . . . )_

_Guess what? I heard this song on the radio the other day, and guess what words I sang?

* * *

_

The House of Toujours Pur (to the tune of "The House of the Rising Sun")-- 5

Narrator: Sirius Black

Setting: 5th book

* * *

There is a house in Grimmauld Place  
In which live the "Toujours Pur,"  
And though in ruins, it remains to me  
A reminder of the way the old times were.

The only thing I was ever taught  
Was that blood was only good pure.  
I didn't believe a word of it;  
I wasn't meant to be "Toujours Pur."

I resisted heartily  
But my brother did not do the same.  
So it was I who was the failure;  
The stain on the family name.

My mother did disown me  
But leaving was my choice.  
I couldn't stay a minute more  
In that place where I had no voice.

If I had listened to what mother said,  
I'd have turned out evil, I say.  
Thank Merlin I got out of there;  
I'm free and on my way.

Oh my brother, oh my cousins:  
Of my mother, don't listen to her!  
She'll only bring you misery  
In the House of Toujours Pur.

Now, times they are a-changin';  
The dark ways have come back.  
Ironically, the Order's base  
Is in the Noble House of Black.

Going back to Grimmauld Place;  
Things feel as the way they were.  
I'm stuck back here in my old Hell:  
The House of Toujours Pur.


	5. Bohemian Rhapsody

_I am not J.K. Rowling or Queen._

_Wizengamot Rhapsody (to tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen)-5_

_Narrator: Various_

_Setting: The Last Pensieve Trial_

* * *

_The jury, seated in the round arena seats of the Wizengamot Courtroom Ten, robed, begins to sing:_

_Jury:_ Is this nonfiction?

Or is this just fantasy?

Caught in a trial

Quite similar to reality

Open your eyes

It's a McCarthyism allegory . . .

_Bartemius Crouch, Jr. is brought to the center of the chamber and placed in a chair, where the chains immediately wind up his arms. Bellatrix, Rodolphus, and Rabastan Lestrange are seated in the shadows around him._

_Barty Jr:_ I'm just a young boy, I ask for sympathy.

Because I'm learning how Dark hexes go:

Imperio, Crucio.

Anything my master asks, doesn't really matter to me,

To me.

___The Courtroom fades into a flashback of Bartemius Crouch, Jr. that morning, speaking to his mother in the kitchen, wearing Death Eater robes, covered in blood._

_Barty Jr.:_ Mama, just hexed a man.

Took my wand up to his wife

And gave her pain just like a knife.

Mama, and their baby son-

I just went and took his parents all away.

Mama, ooh,

Didn't mean to make you cry.

I'll be facing Dad again this time tomorrow,

So carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters.

_The Courtroom comes back, as Bartemius's eyes snap open and two dementors flank either side of him in his chair._

_Barty Jr:_ Too late.

The dementors come.

Sending shivers down my spine,

Memories reeling in my mind.

Goodbye, everybody.

I've got to go.

I've got to leave you all behind and face the judge.

Mama, ooh

_Jury:_ Anything his master asks . . .

_Barty Jr:_ I don't wanna die!

I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all!

_Bartemius Crouch, Sr. enters the courtroom, thick black robes billowing behind him as he comes to the fore and takes his seat, the jury poking their heads out curiously after him._

_Barty Jr_: I see the haunting silhouetto of my dad.

_Jury:_ Barty Crouch, Barty Crouch, will you do your own son in?

Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening, he!

_Mrs. Crouch:_ Bartemius!

_Male jury member:_ Bartemius!

_Mrs. Crouch:_ Bartemius!

_Male jury member:_ Bartemius!

_Mrs. Crouch:_ Bartemius, set him free!

_Mrs. Crouch and the sympathetic jury_: He's family!

_Barty Jr:_ I'm just a young boy, my dad doesn't love me.

_Sympathetic jury:_ He's just a young boy from a fine family!

Spare him his life from these monstrosities! (they motion to the Dementors)

_Barty Jr:_ All I did was Crucio; will you let me go?

_Opposing jury:_ Death Eater!

_Sympathetic jury:_ No!

_Opposing jury:_ We will not let him go!

_Sympathetic jury:_ Let him go!

_Opposing jury:_ Death Eater!

_Sympathetic jury:_ No!

_Opposing jury:_ We will not let him go!

_Sympathetic jury_: Let him go!

_Opposing jury:_ Death Eater!

_Sympathetic jury:_ No!

_Opposing jury:_ We will not let him go!

_Sympathetic jury:_ Let him go!

_Opposing jury_: Will not let him go!

_Sympathetic jury:_ Let him go!

_Opposing jury_: Never!

Never let him go!

_Sympathetic jury:_ Let him go!

_Barty Jr:_ Never let me go?

_Opposing jury:_ No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

_Barty Jr:_ Oh, Mama, please, Mama, please, Mama, please let me go!

_Rabastan, Rodolphus, and Bellatrix_: Lord Voldemort has great honor laid aside for we!

For we!

_Bellatrix (in a high voice none of the males could ever match)_: For ME!!!!!!!

_Frank Longbottom bursts into the Wizengamot, obviously off his rocker, strumming a broom like an electric guitar and headbanging his white hair._

_Frank:_ So you think you can hunt me and torture my wife?

So you think you can hex us and leave us to die?

Oh, Barty, can't do this to us Barty!

Just gotta be sent, just gotta be sent to Azkaban!

_Jury:_ Ooh yeah, ooh yeah.

_The Dementors lift the four from their seats, and all become placated by the depression as they are led away._

_Barty Jr_: Nothing really matters.

Anyone can see.

Nothing really matters.

Nothing really matters

To me.

_Jury (whispering)_: Anything his master asks . . .


	6. My Band

_I am not J.K. Rowling or Eminem or any member of D12_

_Straight Best Player At Quidditch (to the tune of "My Band" by D12)-4_

_Narrator: Various_

_Setting: The Marauder Days, 6th or 7th year_

* * *

_James:_ I don't know dude.

I think everyone's all jealous and stuff

Because I'm the best Seeker in history, dude.

And I think everyone who's got a problem with me, dude,

They need to take it up with me after the game,

Because . . .

Though I am pureblood I'm not really rich,

And a couple of times I have missed the Snitch,

But all the girls see me and they all get the itch,

Because I'm the straight best player at Quidditch.

So I fly the Quidditch pitch, right, and catch the Snitch,

Walk up to these hot chicks and I'm all like,

"What's up, hotties, I'm James Potter.

I'm just good; I'm not tryin' to be snotty."

They're all like, "Oh, Merlin, I saw the game!

Hestia, oh my freaking gosh it's James!

I swear to Merlin you're like a prodigy!

Please, oh please, will you sit with me?"

And now all the rest of the fellows get pissed,

Especially when I whip them all at Quidditch.

Snivellus is the worst, so I flip him upside-down

So you can all see his panties when his robes go down.

So then every single day Lily has to fight with me,

But when we fight, it's really like she's hitting on me,

'Cause one of these days she'll hook up with me.

Dude, I think she's just trying to get a rise out of me.

Yesterday Snivellus pulled his wand on me

Because I told him Lily really only liked me.

This sports star fame, it's the life for me,

And all the other guy's just despise me

Because . . .

Though I am pureblood I'm not really rich,

And a couple of times I have missed the Snitch,

But all the girls see me and they all get the itch,

Because I'm the straight best player at Quidditch.

_Remus:_ You just want to see a werewolf don't you?

And come smart boys don't get girls like athletes do?

I'm sweet and quiet, and I don't only think of me,

But girls surround him and I'm just lonely.

James doesn't want my friendship; he wants my homework,

_(to James)_ And I'm not going to give it to you!

_James:_ Well, you're a jerk!

_Remus:_ And what the heck is wrong with the Shrieking Shack?

James, did you bring people in there behind my back?

It smells kind of funny; I'm getting suspicious-

_(to James)_ Did you just say that girl was "bootilicious?"

Never mind; I don't want to know.

Just next time clean up the place before you go.

_James:_ Though I am pureblood I'm not really rich,

And a couple of times I have missed the Snitch,

But all the girls see me and they all get the itch,

Because I'm the straight best player at Quidditch.

_Sirius (to Remus):_ Look at the little punk; he's so vain.

_Remus:_ Yeah, I know, Padfoot; it's really a pain.

_Sirius (to all):_ Hey, I thought we had detention in Potions, dude.

_James:_ No, you had detention; not me, fool.

_Remus (to Sirius):_ You're going to be late for Charms class.

_Sirius:_ Man, I'm not going to Charms class.

_Remus:_ I do all your work for you and his grades are still best- you know, I'm going to say something.

_Sirius (to James):_ Hey, yo Prongs!

_James:_ You got something to say?

_Remus (to James):_ Man, no!

_Sirius (to Remus):_ I thought you were about to tell him off, Moony, what's up?

_Remus (to Sirius):_ I'll tell him what I feel like, Padfoot, shut up. And you weren't going to back me up, and we're supposed to be gay-

_Sirius:_ I would have backed you up- WHAT DID YOU SAY?

_Remus:_ You said it! You said it first!

_James:_ Though I am pureblood I'm not really rich,

And a couple of times I have missed the Snitch,

But all the girls see me and they all get the itch,

Because I'm the straight best player at Quidditch.

_Sirius:_ They say James's on top, but he's really not.

It's always me that gets the babes all hot.

I'm going to let the world know that gay, I'm not!

I should say James is gay to get Lily to stop . . .

I'm ready to hex the next Quidditch fan

That says-

_Emmaline Vance:_ Hey James, you're so the man!

_Sirius:_ You can be on top without playing Quidditch

But after Quidditch he gets the girls and I get nix.

And these are the same girls who see me and faint-

_James:_ Padfoot, carry my broom!

_Sirius:_ Dude, your dog I ain't!

I don't want to play Quidditch; I'm not very good.

_Frank Longbottom:_ Who the heck are you? Where's Jones and Wood?

_Peter:_ Merlin, I'm so sick of my "friends."

Time for me to go off and earn my own ends.

I told you it was me who pressed the knot on the tree.

The Marauders'd be nothing without me.

Underwear prank, I was in the back.

Werewolf prank, I was in the back.

When we get caught, I get detention,

But the teachers are always asking James the questions,

Like-

_Professor McGonagall:_ Who's in charge? What was the plan?

_James:_ It wasn't me!

_Peter:_ There he goes again!

Anyway, I'm the shortest guy in the group.

Pudgy little body; the girls think I'm cute.

Then James told me to trying flying to get buff.

I fell off my broom and couldn't get up.

Forget the Marauders- I don't know how I got in-

I'm going to join up with the dark Slytherins.

_James:_ Lily why can't you see you're the only one for me and it just tears me up that you're not impressed that I'm the straight best player at Quidditch.

_Peter:_ Though I am pureblood I'm not really rich, ha ha

And though I have never actually caught the Snitch- die James-

One day I'll get all the girls to itch.

Even though I'm not the best player at Quidditch.

Quidditch, Quidditch,

_Sirius (still stuck on the gay bit):_ I like Hestia, and Emmaline . . .

_Peter:_ Quidditch, Quidditch,

_Sirius:_ And Alice and Marlene . . .

_Peter:_ Quidditch, Quidditch

_Sirius:_ And Greta and Lupin and--

_Peter:_ Quidditch, Quidditch

_Sirius:_ Aggh, no!

_Sirius, Peter, and Remus:_ Quidditch . . .

_James:_ The hottest Quidditch players in the world: The Marauders!

_James (mimicking Snape):_ I'm the straight best player at Quidditch

I get all the girls to look at my undergarments

But that's not hard because James flips me over-

Because, because . . . he's the best player at Quidditch.

_(looking around to see that everyone's abandoned him)_ Hey, where'd everybody go?


	7. Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard

_I am not J.K. Rowling or Paul Simon

* * *

_

_You, Me, and Sirius Down in the Schoolyard (to tune of "Me and Julio Down in the Schoolyard" by Paul Simon)-3_

_Narrator: Regulus Black_

_Setting: After his death

* * *

_  
One morning my mama rolled out of bed  
And went to the room of my brother.  
When Papa saw as well he began to yell.  
I knew the reason why; there could be no other.  
My brother ran away; oh yes, he ran away.  
Mama didn't need to say, but he ran away.  
  
Now Mama looks down and spits on the ground  
Every time his name is said.  
And Papa says, "Oy, when I get that boy  
I'm gonna hex him 'til he's practically dead."  
  
Now I'm joining up; I'm gonna be a Death Eater.  
Now I'm joining up; they said they were proud and I'm better than him.  
  
Goodbye Andromeda, you went the way of my brother.  
But I still see you and Sirius down in the schoolyard.  
I still see you and Sirius down in the schoolyard.  
  
A couple of years after I joined the Death Eater chapter  
It began to get a little intense.  
My lack of radical ways began to number my days  
And I was killed by those I thought were my friends.  
  
Well, I joined up; I was gonna be a Death Eater.  
Well, I joined up; they said they were proud and I was better than him.  
  
Goodbye Andromeda, you went the way of my brother.  
It should have been you, me, and Sirius down in that schoolyard.  
It should have been you, me, and Sirius down in that schoolyard.__


	8. The Leader of the Pack

_I am not J.K. Rowling or The Shangri-Las.

* * *

_

_Sirius Black (to the tune of "The Leader of the Pack" by The Shangri-Las)- 4_

_Narrator: Various_

_Setting: End of the 5th book

* * *

_

_Hermione and Ron stand waiting for Harry. Harry comes in from the side._

Hermione: Is he really going to stay with him?

Ron: Well, there he is. Let's ask him.

Hermione: Harry, is that Sirius's knife you're carrying?

Harry: Mmhmm.

Ron: Gee, it must be great having a godfather like Sirius. Are you going to stay with him this summer?

Harry: Uh-huh.

Hermione: Do you remember when we first met him?

Harry: I met him in the Shrieking Shack.

He showed up on the Marauder's Map.

Do you remember?

Hermione/Ron: Yes, we do.

Harry: I met my godfather, Sirius Black.

_Motorbike revving noises._

Harry: The papers were always telling his tale.

Hermione/Ron: Tale, tale . . .

Harry: They said he murdered and escaped from jail.

Hermione/Ron: He had no trial so he didn't even deserve to be in jail.

Oooh . . .

Harry: They said he'd betrayed my dad.

But I knew it was really Peter who had.

I knew you were innocent, Sirius Black.

_Motorbike revving noises._

Dumbledore told him to stay home.

He was stuck in old house so all alone.

Hermione/Ron: Poor Sirius, stuck in his old house so all alone.

Oooh . . .

Harry: But I saw the Dark Lord torture him;

I didn;t know it was only a vision.

I came to your rescue, Sirius Black.

_Motorbike revving noises._

Hermione/Ron (beneath Harry, repeated): Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo doo-doo doo doo . . .

Harry: I showed up, and he wasn't there,

But soon after he came to fight.

We fought together, side by side,

Though Dumbledore begged he go.

And I knew why- he was too bold.

Hermione/Ron: Oh, no no no . . .

_Flashback of Sirius and Bellatrix dueling in the Department of Mysteries._

Sirius: Come on, you can do better than that!

_Flashes of light; Bellatrix's shrieks of laughter._

_Cut back to Harry, pale and wide-eyed._

Harry: I felt so guilty; he'd died to save me.

I'd been the reason he'd broken free.

At school they don't even know.

I scream and I cry; Dumbledore's things I throw.

I'll never forget you, Sirius Black.

_Motorbike revving noises._

Harry: Sirius Black, oh, now he's gone.

Hermione/Ron: Gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone . . .

Harry: Sirius Black, oh, now he's gone.

Hermione/Ron: Oooh . . .

Sirius Black, oh, now he's gone.

Hermione/Ron: Gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone . . .


	9. I Can Never Go Home Anymore

_I am not J.K. Rowling or The Shangri-Las

* * *

_

_I Can Never Go Home Anymore (to the tune of "I Can Never Go Home Anymore" by The Shangri-Las)-3_

_Narrator: Various_

_Setting: Just after Andromeda and Alphard Black's disowning

* * *

_

_Andromeda rushes in and hugs Sirius, looking very distraught._

Andromeda: I've been kicked out; I've been disowned.

I've just run away.

_Sirius pulls her face up to look into his._

Sirius (shocked): You, too?

Now you can never go home anymore.

_Andromeda shakes him off._

Andromeda: But it's okay. Doesn't this sound familiar?

Sirius (beneath Andromeda): Oooh . . .

Andromeda: You go to school like they ask you,

But you're in the wrong House.

You hold dissimilar views,

But you keep quiet as a mouse.

Among your siblings, you're lonely;

Your family brings you no joy.

Then, for me, a miracle-

A boy.

And that's called "glad."

Now, my parents didn't approve,

Though I loved him with all my heart.

They said I wasn't to marry for love,

And the boy and I would have to part.

And no matter how I ranted and raved,

I screamed, I pleaded, I cried.

They told me if I married that Muggle-born,

They'd treat me as if I had died.

And that's called "bad."

_Flashback of Bellatrix, Narcissa, and Andromeda's mother standing angrily over a cowering Andromeda._

The rest of the Black family, those not disowned (Andromeda's mother, Sirius's mother and father, Regulus, Bellatrix, and Narcissa): Never go home anymore . . .

_Back to present; Andromeda continues to sing to Sirius._

Andromeda: That didn't happen to you, but I know this did:

I packed my clothes and left home today.

Of my whole family, only Dad begged me to stay.

And you know what he said?

He said he'd love my anyway.

Even if I married Ted,

He'd still sing to me and say:

_Flashback of Alphard Black and Andromeda cuddled in her room, hugging each other, Andromeda crying._

Uncle Alphard: Hush, little baby,

Don't you cry.

Daddy loves you anyway . . .

_Back to present. Andromeda covers her ears and shuts her eyes._

Andromeda: Daddy!

The Blacks, echoing in her head: You can never go home anymore . . .

Andromeda: Daddy!

I can never go home anymore . . .

Don't you get the feeling,

That love is more than family name?

I think so- Dad loves me just the same.

So I'll run away, too, Sirius;

I'm more if your friend,

And for loving you and me,

Even Daddy got kicked out in the end.

The Blacks: Never!

_Andromeda sighs and leans against Sirius._

Andromeda: And I can never . . .

The Blacks: Never!

Andromeda: . . . go home anymore.

But it doesn't have to be "sad."


	10. I'll Make A Man Out of You from Mulan

_I am not J.K.Rowling or Disney- or anyone working for Disney who may have written or sung this song.

* * *

_

Potions Class (to tune of "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan)-5

Narrator: Various

Setting: Potions class, Harry's 5th year

* * *

_Snape comes quickly into the Potions room; the frightened and intimidated Gryffindors stare at him and the Slytherins smile knowingly._

Severus Snape: Let's get down to business,

_He slams the door. _

To pass the O.W.L.s.

_The entire class grimaces in fear. A few of them put their hands to their faces and shout._

Class: Ah!

Severus Snape: I suggest you all work hard this year,

Because your skill level smells.

You're the foulest class I've ever had,

So remember, when you study:

To be an Auror, you must pass with an "E."

_The students begin to brew their potions as Professor Snape prowls the room, inspecting all of theirs._

Add the powdered moonstone;

Add the syrup of hellbore.

_He stops and stares into Harry's cauldron, over which he stands, stirring feverishly._

If you forgot one step in this,

_He Evanescos Harry's potion._

Your potion will be no more.

You're in desperate need of outside help,

So remember, when you study:

To be an Auror, you must pass with an "E."

Ron Weasley (his head in his hands): I'm never gonna pass this class.

Neville Longbottom (trying to put out the fire on his desk): Tell Gran I'm just registering "Squibb."

Hemione Granger (stressfully flipping through a Potions textbook): Why was a I fool for studying more for Transfiguration?

Draco Malfoy (smirking and watching everyone else in satisfaction): My dad'll make sure I pass.

Gregory Goyle (tipping some of Draco's cauldron into his own): I think I'll just cheat and ad-lib.

Harry Potter (looking glumly into his empty cauldron): Now I really wish I was Sorted into Slytherin . . .

Class: Potions class!

Severus Snape: Calmly wait for your brew to boil.

Class: Potions class!

Severus Snape: Take a flagon and cork it fast.

Class: Potions class!

Severus Snape: Longbottom, please control that raging fire,

Or you'll be with Potter in Remedial Potions class.

_Cut forward to later in the year: Snape stands at the front, and Dolores Umbridge comes into the room, grinning sadistically._

The Inquisitor comes to see us,

As the Ministry bid her do.

_Turns and glares down at Harry._

Though I quite detest her,

I like her more than you.

I'll see you after class quite soon;

_Leans in to whisper out of the corner of his mouth to Harry._

I will help you with Occlumency.

_Stands upright again and speaks out load._

As you will never, in this class, get an "E."

Class: Potions class!

Severus Snape: Calmly wait for your brew to boil.

Class: Potions class!

Severus Snape: Take a flagon and cork it fast.

Class: Potions class!

Severus Snape: Potter, don't bother with that raging fire,

I'll be seeing you anyway in Remedial Potions class.


	11. Requiem for the Masses

_I am not J.K. Rowling or The Association._

* * *

Cursum Non Indulgeo [I think "Unforgivable Curses"] (to the tune of "Requiem for the Masses" by the Association)-3

Narrator: Various

Setting: Harry's Fourth Year, the first Defense Against the Dark Arts Class

* * *

_Bartemius Crouch, Jr. (alias Professor Moody) enters the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom with his jar of spiders. Ron lurches backwards._

Moody: Weasley, Weasley, forget your fears;

The spiders shall not break free.

Please draw your desk in; attune your ears-

It's time for you to see:

How the Dark Lord killed so many men,

Who tried to fight, but were not strong,

So all fell before him.

_Begins to demonstrate, with the spiders, the three Unforgivable Curses._

Imperius makes the victim obey you.

Cruciatus makes the victim feel they've split in two.

Avada Kedavra- well, I needn't tell you-

_Looks up meaningfully at Harry._

But the only one who ever survived it

Is sitting right in front of you.

Imperio; Crucio!

_Neville draws back in his chair as one of the spiders experiences the Cruciatus Curse._

Longbottom, Longbottom, forget your fears;

The Lestranges shall not break free.

Please draw your desk in, attune your ears-

It's time for you to see:

How the Dark Lord killed so many men,

Who tried to fight, but were not strong,

So all fell before him.

_He watches with a smirk as all of the students file out of the classroom, plotting to himself._

Imperius is what Mulciber specialized in.

Cruciatus is what did Neville's parents in.

Avada Kedavra's is what, if Cedric wins,

He shall encounter in the graveyard if I don't want him by

When I help my master rise again.

Avada Kedavra!

Cursum Non Indulgeo

Cursum Non Indulgeo


	12. My Immortal

_I am not J.K. Rowling or Evanescence._

* * *

  
  
Not Immortal (to the tune of "My Immortal" by Evanescence)  
  
Narrator: The Fangirls . . .  
  
Setting: After Sirius's death, of course!

* * *

We're all so tried of seeing them:  
  
Another fangirl site, an elegy to him.  
  
His body never turned up,  
  
Hence we all believe the jig is up.  
  
Many of us suggest he's alive,  
  
But he's just stuck behind that veil.

Remus said he was gone,  
  
Nick told Harry he's moved on,  
  
Yet still we won't except the truth:

When he died, we all shared so many tears.  
  
When he died, it confirmed all of our greatest fears.  
  
We still mourn for him, though it's been a whole year.  
  
Why won't you die? Sirius Black . . .

He used to captivate us all,  
  
Though to Snape he was rather mean.  
  
Maybe we'll see him again in another Pensieve scene.  
  
His face, it haunts  
  
Harry's unpleasant dreams.  
  
He can't reach him now,  
  
And it's driving him, like us, insane.

Dumbledore said he was gone,  
  
Luna said he waits beyond,  
  
Yet still we won't except the truth:

When he died, we all shared so many tears.  
  
When he died, it confirmed all of our greatest fears.  
  
We still mourn for him, though it's been a whole year.  
  
Why won't you die? Sirius Black . . .

We've tried so hard to keep  
  
Believing you're not gone.  
  
Even though Rowling's confirmed that  
  
You have gone on to join Prongs . . .

When he died, we all shared so many tears.  
  
When he died, it confirmed all of our greatest fears.  
  
We still mourn for him, though it's been a whole year.  
  
Why won't you die? Sirius Black . . .


End file.
